Ironically it has taken me a few hours to write about procrastination, having started this post 2 days ago. Telling myself that if I do this, then I can get on and do what needs to be done... a favourite tactic of mine.

My name is Renee and I am a procrastinator.

It took me many years to realise that this was what I was doing because I am busy, busy, busy.
Here are some clues that you too might be employing.
- I would rather clean the house, hang out/bring in washing, emptying the dishwasher etc.
- big fan of comprehensive lists and making them 'look' good...very important.
- I am on the highest contributor level of Trip Advisor
- I'll just get all these other little jobs out the way and then I can start THE job.
- buying stationery, gotta love new stationery, it's a clean slate, a new start for THE job.
- really anything but the THING that I should be doing, the THING that keeps me awake at night.

So, why do I procrastinate? is it fear, fear of failure, not living up to MY standards, fear of success? I do not think in my case it is laziness, but maybe selective actions and by keeping busy I can justify that I just didn't have time.... don't do it - can't fail. Taking no action is however failure... eek, I have found myself out. 

Right, now how do I stop? Anyone can call me on it, if you see me ask me what I am doing, then ask me what should I be doing...but you all can't follow me around. I need a self moderating way of kicking my own butt, but it cant involve lists, they are a form of stalling. Maybe I need to section my time and have a single goal focus per day and stick at it till done, ignore the calls from family "I'm hungry" "can you pick me up" "I stubbed my toe" and all the other things apparently I have made myself available for over the years.... under the title of Problem Solver Extraordinare (self proclaimed of course).

So here I sit, still not doing the THING I should be doing and half the day has gone... my name is Renee and I am a procrastinator.

Devastation has set in - I will never, ever, dance like the couple do on the ad currently on telly (comm bank I think). You go through life with the vague idea that you will get to these things... but in a 'moment' I realised that it is not going to happen - and it is not because I just won't get the time Nothing so easily reversible like a schedule rearrange or a diary entry, it is that my body will never move like that, it never has, so why in my middle age would I hang onto the belief that it would. Where had this idea come from? perhaps it was from my high childhood consumption of Gene Kelly matinee movies - boy could he dance (even in those high waisted trousers). Was it films like dirty dancing, or flash dance? did I secretly want to be a welder too? or be called Baby and sit in the corner?

It wasn't actually an acknowledge thought, fully formed, until I understood that it wouldn't happen. Now that this realisation has reared it's ugly head, the thoughts of what else? what else might I have unconsciously hankered over, mentally pushing to one side with the 'too much to do today' excuse that I will also, never, actually accomplish... or could I go and enrol in a dance class? could I?

The 4 minute shower has seen the death of creativity or certainly given it a good kick in the teeth. I don’t know about anyone else, but I use to do my most creative thinking in the shower – first of course you need to get the business end of the shower out of the way and then full reign is given to day dreaming that can only be found under warm, running water. The danger of course is that when you get out of the shower and get sucked back into the day to day rigors of family life, revelations that came to you in a water logged moment can evaporate just as quickly. I actually know someone that keeps a white board in their bathroom – smart lady. Maybe there is a product that allows you to write on tiles under wet conditions that can also be wiped off tiles? I want it! How much fun could you have with that! Leave messages for the kids like ‘don’t just stand there – use the soap’, teenage sons… it would be like big brother watching. If the family won’t leave you alone  whilst in the shower nor should you leave them.

I know we need to be ecologically sound and thoughtful about the future of our continent and children’s, children and conserve our precious resource of water. I think in our endeavours to be careful with water we have not fully weighed up the creative consequences of water rationing and its long term effects on our future dreamers and creators.

Having coffee this morning and the conversation came around to New Year’s Resolutions and the question was asked…. ‘Who had one’? Well I had flirted with the idea of being more kind… when I voiced it, well my husband’s eyes nearly bulged out of his head and his mouth dropped open and in effect said ‘when are you going to start?’ Good question I guess, as far as he is concerned I have always struggled with the idea of giving in gracefully and cannot entertain the idea of not being right, when I am – So in order to be kind to my husband sometimes I may have to pretend to be wrong - or maybe just small increments/baby steps like not ‘rubbing his nose in it’ when I claim the victory (maybe that would be a way of breaking myself of the habit gently).

I am not sure what he was expecting from my decision to be more kind and I have not fully decided how this will look, this resolution, just poking it around a bit but I guess it needs to be my version of 'kind'... as I do love the odd sarcastic comment (which probably isn’t kind). Another asked ‘ kind to whom?’ Maybe it could be ME I should be kind to and I should stop trying to please everyone in my family because lets face it this has always been fodder for psychiatrists (and has no doubt funded a Lamborghini or two listening to various versions of  ‘oh my mother always liked my bigger/littler sister/brother better – hmmm sound familiar - perception can be interesting) I am never going to please all the people all the time. I think if it was just ME, that i am being kind to it would end up being a little selfish and ultimately unkind, so a broader application will definately be needed.

As my new years resolution two years ago I decided I was going to be braver and do some of the things I had been fearful of – thinks like flying, going overseas, leaving my children with their father for a whole week without any other adult supervision. It worked so well that I continued that theme on into 2013. I have now  got over my anxiety about flying, I can find my own luggage in an overseas  Italian airport with no phone, no husband,  ‘help desk’ attendants who can only say “it’s a nota my fault” and three hungry kids, I can parallel
park, public speak (if I have too) and a whole heap of things I don’t even remember. So I guess, ask me in a year how kindness has worked out for me and I will be in a better position to tell you and as a famous toilet block lurker’er once sang ‘well ya gotta have faith’

It was with great anxiety that I reached into my letter box last week to retrieve the envelope that causes me pain - both mental and financial, yes it was the electricity bill. I feel like I have put all my money on a single spin of the roulette wheel as I open the envelope...has all my manic switch flicking or power point offing had any effect? will I be able to feed the family, put petrol in the car or do coffee mornings??? I ripped the bandaid off quickly (eg opened the envelope) and was pleasantly suprised to see that it is $400 less than last quarter...great, fantastic, I feel light headed with relief, I did a little Gene Kelly side kick, two heels mid air click together, in celebration on the front lawn (I find this old fall back Gene Kelly move very appropriate to express joy that there are no words appropriate for)
..... EXCEPT when is $1200 still OK?
It took me a full day for this to sink in and the realisation to surface that this is NOT ok and it is still unacceptably high and as a consumer I feel used and dirty (and I didn't even enjoy it), like my youth it was squandered.  Have I been so conditioned to be thrilled that my power bill is less, but still unacceptably high -apparently yes. What next? The Carbon Levy? It wasnt so long ago that we were all raging about the doubling of our water bills....(quite sobbing can be heard).... 

I am starting a new self help group and I will be the first to join - my life is drowning in acronmys. Acronyms are everywhere, in every social group, no gender, no age, no creed, no colour will divide it, it knows no limits. In the world of online technology it is rampant, scientists have grappled with it for years, as has the medical professions.  When I hear an acronym my eyes roll back in my head and I black out.... acronym overload - it is the latest  21st century health crisis to hit our shores.

As a child, my mother would spell instead of whisper when she didn't want me to understand what she was saying. As an adult when people (still my mother) would spell things to me in front of my children  I would still be unable to catch on....I suffer from verbal spelling dyslexia (aka VSD -  lol), a little heard of syndrome, that renders me useless to the onslaught of letters spoken - this has compounded my acronym allergy. What scares me most about this condition is that it has skipped a generation and my children all seem adept at the modern use of acronyms that is prevalent in the Gen Y group. So now I seem to be sandwiched between generations that speak the same lingo...

The diagnosis is dire and there is no known cure at this point just constant medication with chocolate, caffine and the occassional glass of wine. (Doseage is at your discretion and may need to be experimented with to see what combination best suits you). GL and GMAB!

Am I the only one that really doesn't care that a couple of Australian Olympic Swimmers posed for a photo holding guns and loaded it onto facebook.....they were not holding the guns to the heads of anyone or holding-up a 7 Eleven - so what is the problem? I would love to hear from you if you do care, you can explain to me why and how it affects your life and that of the Australian public and their Olympic dreams?  Apparently the pair showed 'a lack of judgement'?  so are being publicly flogged by the media. I am sad to see the Australian Olympic committee fold under the media pressure....grow some backbone! Next we will be banning live exports of Olympic athletes.

As far as I can see this is another classic example of persecution by media. The media whips itself into a 'no-news-day' frenzy of one-up-manship and then whom ever they are targeting is hunted down and bullied into submission.  Over and over we are hearing these types of news stories, that appear to be invented from a member of the media, picked up by other media and a herd/pack mentality sees the story grow from nothing to a national disgrace and usually under the guise of public interest. I DON'T CARE....I REALLY, REALLY DON'T CARE, they haven't done anything wrong. I bet most of you haven't given it another moments thought......but someone, somewhere has decided that we are outraged.
 

Seems like the acting lessons are paying off for my youngest....he put in another award winning performance in the category of Best Dramatic Actor in a Leading Role, third Monday in a row. I am at the point of considering harvesting of all non essential organs e.g. gall bladder, appendix. I cannot quite work out if the acting style is more of the Classical mould (simulating thoughts and expressions through external means such as vocal or facial expression) there is a lot of moaning and face pulling. It could however be more of the Method Acting school, pioneered by Constantin Stanislavski and advocated by Lee Strasberg in America in the 1949-50, where he is drawing from his own memories of other stomach aches and reliving them in full technicolour to his captivated yet very cynical audience of one! Of course it is the youngest of the bunch doing this to me, he has had four others to watch and learn from and hone his skills and talents to a razors edge....he is now asleep...or is he.....see there is this seed of doubt, so for now the harvesting will have to wait.
Renee's Rant

Cost of city parking on Saturday! While most places have a flat rate of
$10-15 for all day parking on Saturday - I had to choose one that didn't - cost
me $44 in parking to have a coffee with a friend. aghhhhh....
Caroline's Vent.